Ahh. Summer. The sultry solstice brings a host of delights, one of the best being the opportunity to catch live music. Across the country, venues large and small, indoors and out, host a horde of bands experiencing an atavistic ritual: the summer tour.
Aging major-label dinosaurs pack their paunches into tour buses and recapture the "magic" before 20,000 margarita-drunk moms. Mid-level bands play corporate pavilions, work the fans and jockey for airplay. Indie rockers.. well.. they sleep in vans, eat mustard sandwiches and piss in water bottles.
But just like that, September comes around the corner and with a flurry of late shows, the summer concert season ends. Did you get your fill? Was Bonnaroo boring? Your Langerado lame? Warped Tour weak?
The Budweiser Summer Concert series just isn't enough. My thirst must be quenched and my palate must be sated. I need something at least as awesome as Altamont. Something worthy of Flandor, King of all Galaxies. That is why I will introduce the Totally Diese Summer Concert Series 2009. Sponsored by Z5&amCo., (This is the best alphanumeric approximation I can give, for there is no Rosetta Stone for futuristic space languages.) the largest manufacturer of planet smashers this side of the Milky Way, the Totally Diese Summer Concert Series 2009 will introduce the universe to some of the most diese musical acts that this little green planet has to offer.
Some of the highlights:
With the advent of super-esoteric new technologies to combat the heat invented by sponsor Z5&amCo., we will host a concert in Death Valley. That is a desert in California for those of you who skew toward the offensive orange side of the spectrum. It will be a total Mad Max, Snake Plissken type of affair, ramshackle and futuristic at the same time, kinda like that Tupac video where he and Dre race buggies around the dunes while hoochies holler. Musical acts are yet to be determined.
Toby Keith and Gary Allan will play a on a super-advanced mega naval destroyer in the South Indian Ocean. During the apex of Keith's set, aviators will fight in a roustabout of helicopter jousting, avoiding an impending collision by aborting their crafts and escaping into the sea, enveloped in pod-style submersible gear. Bioillumnescent pink dolphins will encircle the carrier, engaging an orgiastic sonar squeal to provide a chorus line to Allan's "She's So California." Freedom will ring into the atbrosphere like a reverse Arctic blast over the polar ice caps.
The series will culminate with a Carl Sagan tribute concert held in a 500,000 seat stadium on the dark side of the moon, featuring Iron Maiden and Van Halen. The concert will be held during the halftime of the Super Bowl, kinda like that Sega Game, Mutant League Football.
Way too diese for me to even keep typing.