Tuesday, December 2, 2008

2008 Hipster Music awards, hosted by KOL's Caleb Followil

(Stage of the Ryman Auditorium in Nashville, TN)

Caleb Followil: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYEAAAH!!! Lemme heeeear you mothafuckas! (holds mic out above audience)

Hipster crowd: ......

CF: This ceremony is brought to yall by PitchFOWK Media, even tho' they rail EVERY lass one of our muthafuckin reckahds, eh! I mean, 5.4? How bout I give all 5.4 inches to YO MOTHA!!! EH!!Aright aright aright, pawty pipple, less staht this FIYAH! First awad is best NEW ACT! The nominiminiminiminies AH...Bon IvAH...

Justin Vernon: Actually, Caleb, it's pronounced "Bon Ee-vair." It's a play on the French phrase "good winter", which I came up with--

CF: THAS A STOOPED NAME!!! Aright aright aright, next nominiminee--the Flet FAWXes!

Fleet Foxes (in perfect, sundrenched four-part harmony): We are flattered by our nomination for this largely symbolic award, whooa-ooo-ooh.

CF: Lemme have ah taste ah THAT! (grabs guitar)


FFs: ........

CF: Aright aright aright, the final nominimnimeee is...VAMPIYAH WEEKEND!

Ezra Keonig: Oooooh, getting nominated for this award is great cause making the record was suuuuper harrr-duh!

Chris Baio: It was hard like every five minutes!

CF: HEEEY YEEEAH!!! And the winnaaaah, I SAY, the winnaaaaah is...the Flet FAWXES!!!!

Hipster Crowd: .......

(FF member awkward takes award from CF, who is embarrassingly gyrating onstage, and returns sheepishly to seat)

CF: Aright aright aright aright!!! On to the next and final AWAWD, EH EH! Final cause, in the world of indie award shows, after your second award you are obselete! Unless, of course, you ah RADIOHEAD! EHYEAH! The final award is man of the yeeear, EH! The first nominiminiminee is--and of course we are stretching the limitations of the word 'man'--Conor OberstAH!

Conor Oberst: Awards don't matter. Neither do cars, or tax returns, or GAP Kids, or anything that's not a celestial manifestation of lost love. (phone rings) Shet. (answers) Hello? What mom. Yeah. I know, I'll be home three days before Christmas. Yes, the footie pajamas for the family picture, I'll bring them. I know the code on the front gate changed, if I forget it I'll just park at the country club and you guys can pick me up. MOM! I gotta go! (slams phone shut) Despair.

CF: WHAT A PUSS-AY!!!! Aright aright aright, next nominiminimineee--lead singer of My MOOOWNEEEIN Jacket, Jim James!

(rumbling from above, one-man space ship lands in cloud of smoke)

JJ: (in castrato vocal) Yeeeeeeeah, don't worry Caleb, Pitchfork didn't like my record this year either, although at least they have and probably will again review my records favorably!

CF: Ehyeah! Yo PROBABLY right! Aright aright the final nominiminiminiminee is...GIRL TALK-AH!

(two people walk onstage)

CF: WHAT!?!?! Whass a'goin on hyeah?

Thom Yorke: Uh, yeah, don't know. Some bloke called Girl Talk thought it'd be a better idea for me and Ghostface Killa to show up side by side than for him to actually make an appearance on his own. Said it was some form of expression but seems to me like taking other peoples' expression and just kinda putting them next to each other.



JJ: GIDEEEOOOOOON!!!! (nabs award and flies off into space)

CO: Despair.

Oberst's Trust Fund: /matured

CF: Aright aright aright, well I guess THAS THAT, BEBEH! Ah wud like to thank PitchFOWK Media--if I add up all my records' scores I almost have a 10!--and all you mothafuckas out there! (holds out mic)

Hipster Crowd: ..........................you are the indie version of the guy from "Jet".



Andrew said...

I wish this post would come down to earth on a spaceship covered in smoke.

well done jorge. this is quality.

I give this comment a 4.6

CLS said...

I loved every word of this, G, so thank you!

I pray that one day Fleet Foxes will smoke me up in the woods and then Jim James will request, in irresistible falsetto, that I have his babies. I think Y would understand.

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